How You Doin?

The sale is in 2 days (although for me, it starts in earnest tomorrow -- all the organizing, pricing -- and most dreaded of all, all the decisions to make!! oh dear!) and when I think about it, I feel a little bit sick, on several accounts:

1. I was sick. Tuesday night I set a new "personal best" in throwing up. Totally disgusting. Every bit as bad as I remember it to be, from the last time I threw up, which was probably more than 1o years ago. But I'm over it now, so don't be afraid of me.
2. The whole purpose of this confounded sale has died, and with it my motivation. Although, I suppose, it's still a good thing to raise money to pay off the seemingly endless debt accrued from our 2nd adoption.
3. All the ways this sale could go massively wrong. Not enough stuff. Not enough advertising. Bad weather. Too much stuff. Not enough shoppers. Not worth the hassle.

The really amazing thing about this whole disaster has been seeing the way people have rallied around us. So many sweet folks have been helping me with this sale, and lots more are going to give parts of their Fridays and Saturdays to help me do this. It's been a very tangible way to see the loving support of friends and family. And that is certainly much more than a silver lining.

Lots of people have asked me in the past week or two how I'm doing, and I've sort of struggled to answer. Not because I'm unsure how to express how I feel, or even unwilling to articulate (yeah, this is me here -- never unwilling to talk!) but because it's all so conflicting, and would sort of take an hour. So I thought maybe I would try to give a concise answer to that question here -- all the different versions of how I've been feeling, because it changes daily (at least.)

The initial shock and outrage has mostly passed, the sense of being paralyzed. I wouldn't care to relive those first few days. There has been a gradual sense of getting used to this new reality, acceptance of the inevitable. Which we are trying to balance with a sense of staying open to God moving and changing what appears to be immovable, but until her adoption by this other couple is final, we don't want to close the door completely. (And let me just take this moment to thank each of you who have been praying earnestly for this very thing. If prayers were somehow a sort of tabulated voting process, the sheer numbers of people all over this country, and even the world, who are praying for us would assure us a victory in this matter. This gives me comfort, even though I know, and even rejoice, that this is not the way God works!)

This is a very strange place to be in. We have had our whole future plans changed first one way (a year ago, when we first met Anastasia and chose to pursue this crazy 3rd adoption, against all reason, when we had only planned for 2) and now another major change. We have to plan, and think about the future sometimes, or we can't make wise decisions. At this point, it looks like our future includes the two boys we have been graciously given, but not any other children. So once again, we change our plans -- which I'm beginning to realize is kind of just how life is.

When I think about the injustice of this -- siblings being permanently separated, a year's (a lifetime's) hopes washed down the drain, all the money and time we put into this that can never be recovered, half-truths that were told to us, how much more precarious our financial situation has become because of planning for this -- I go crazy. I get mad and indignant and just completely worked up. I start thinking things like ... If they had told us that we could only have her if no one else saw her and wanted her, we would have saved ourselves so much pain! We would have put all that money into paying off our debts, instead of a hopeless cause! We wouldn't feel like such trusting suckers! A few wise family members have counciled me that I must just let it go, and I know they are right. But how can they get away with this?!!? It's easier to know I should let it go than to actually let it go. We did what, at the time, seemed the only right thing to do, we felt we were being obedient to God, and we must trust the results to Him.

So then there is the sadness part. In many ways, after the initial shock wore off, it hasn't been as bad as I might have thought. This whole thing -- being given the opportunity to have not just a much wanted 3rd child, but a darling little girl no less! -- has always felt a little too good to be true. Lots of other dreams along the way have bit the dust, so why should this one come true? And we know Ukraine -- I think, in the backs of our minds, we've always known this was a possibility. We didn't get a chance to get to know her, much as we wanted to, when we were in Ukraine, so there is not so much the loss of a known entitity so much as a dream of what might have been. All those daughter dreams. They have been very hard to give up, especially when faced with rows of bright-eyed 2 year old little girls at church... The moment I realized I should put my crib in the sale, instead of using it again like I so hoped to do, was a very hard moment.

But God has been so gracious to me. He has picked me up, and propelled me through the days. Many times with tears in my eyes, but still -- it's nearly impossible to stand still and grieve with 2 active boys to care for! I've had lots of busy things to fill my days, and many concerned people looking out for me and caring for me in so many tangible ways. It sounds weird, but right now we've been hearing from other people about the hard things they have been dealing with, and it makes us feel so much better! Sometimes because it's similar to what we are going through, but most of the time it's just good to know we are not the only ones being sanctified. I hope that doesn't sound cruel, or like misery just loves company. It's just nice to be reminded that God disciplines those He loves, and we are not alone.

It is so easy to think that the things we lack are the very things that would make us the most happy. And while we're thinking that, we forget to enjoy the many things we already have. I want to be sure that when I look back on this time, I can say I loved what I have and enjoyed it to the fullest! Thank You, soverign Lord, for Your sweet salvation, the family, the home, the friends, the provisions You have so generously given me! I trust Your goodness -- help me trust You more fully even amidst disappointment!