Final Chapter

Friends,

I received official word yesterday that our little Anastasia has indeed been adopted by this unknown Ukrainian family. We had expected this for quite some time, so receiving this news was just closure that it is indeed over. Even so, I have to admit to some measure of surprise that the judge presiding over this case would care so little about true justice so as to be able to endorse and approve of this couple's insensitivity. But then I remembered that it's Ukraine (and, indeed, a fallen world), and "justice" is just one of many factors at play.

This has been a really good summer, and a lot of the healing that seemed so impossible a couple of months ago has happened, by the grace of God. It sounds cowardly, but it's been nice to just not think about it - allowing our boys, our busy schedule, and the joys of summer to take precedence. But when I do think about it...well...I just don't understand. I guess there are things in life like that. I don't think I'll ever understand why this opportunity that seemed so beautiful and redemptive and perfect was dangled in front of us and then taken away. I am so thankful for my two sweet boys, but it is impossible to think that our family is complete now, because she was supposed to be with us too. Yet God in his sovereignty allowed this - both the giving of that hope, and the crushing of it. I don't understand. I don't ever hope to. Yet I must bow my head and surrender to His will.

So the story has been told, and this blog is no longer necessary (but if you want to read a bunch of funny, honest, God-honoring adoption stories, check out Ted's book). In fact, I'd like to distance myself from it (the blog) and turn my attention to a new endeavor. I'm publishing a cookbook in November with Gut Check Press called "Saucy Broad: A Culinary Manifesto of Hope." It's a cookbook for people who love to read (and cook). In the meantime, I'm blogging here. So go there...read...get recipes...subscribe...keep in touch...and all of that. Thank you for reading this blog, and I hope you enjoy the next one.

Love,
Kristin

"No Comment"

The title is another homage to Jerry Maguire - of course. Like Cush, we have not yet perfected the art of talking without saying anything. That said:

I've had lots of questions lately, if there are any new updates, and the answer is -- not really.

At this time we are waiting to hear the word that Anastasia's adoption by this other couple is final -- we have no reason to expect to hear anything else. And we don't know when this would happen -- it could be any day, I suppose, or in a few months. Most likely it will just come out of the blue with no warning and ruin another otherwise ok day.

We are also in the process of trying to untangle the finances with our agency. This, also, is just a waiting game. There doesn't seem much point in trying to speculate how much (if any) of a refund we will get back, so we're just waiting to see.

Over all, I think we've been maybe doing better. As more days go by, we are able to -- I don't know, not forget about it exactly, but it's just less raw I guess. Escapism (for us, that's mostly reading, watching movies, or hanging out with friends) has been helpful. But of course we'll run into someone who hasn't heard, and they ask, and we have to explain, and it sort of all comes back. Which is not to say that I hate people asking -- it just all seems so pointless and inexplicable, it's hard to rehash. And really nice, well meaning people say things like "well, it must be for the best" or "well, there must be something better out there for you!" (groan) -- because there is absolutely nothing worthwhile to say about such a ridiculous, rotten situation.

So sometime there will be a true end to this whole thing, and at that point we'll certainly broadcast that info. Until then (and after then, too) you can just continue to pray for God's grace to us.

And just in case you really want to wallow in it some more -- you can order Ted's new book Hello, I Love You. It's the story of our adoptions, but it's actually a compelling read because he wrote it (not me). It's actually really great, I've read it several times throughout the writing and editing process -- I just can't read it right now, it's a little too gut-wrenching for me. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't check it out -- here's the link.

The Sale Results

I am happy to report to you that the sale was an enormous success! Lots of donated stuff, two days of hard work, and we earned around $1,500. This was more than I could have hoped for, and a good return on our labor.

Lots and lots of people helped, and there's just no way I could have done something so huge by myself. I don't even know all the specific people who helped, but I do want to thank a few in particular. Many people donated things to sell, some quite valuable. This of course was critical for the success of the sale, and pretty much everyone who walked in the door was impressed with the sheer volume of stuff, so thank you everyone who donated item to sell.

Friday we had the huge job of sorting, organizing, and pricing all the merchandise -- what a job! It was a little overwhelming to walk into the room Friday morning and see all that was in there, but I had many helpers, and what do you know, it went very quickly. Most notably, Amie Ehnis really knew what to do to get things going, and she helped a ton both Friday and Saturday. My mom was there the whole time I was, Friday and Saturday, and even talked some of her friends into coming and helping/buying. And then the wonderful Steph Hays spent all day Friday and again Saturday -- we got a bit giddy pricing some of the more, ah, unusual items together!

Then there was the bake sale, which was quite impressive! There were so many delicious and beautiful goodies to buy, we had some people come back for seconds. A special thanks goes out to Greta Lankheet, for coordiating the bake sale, sharing a little moment with me in the kitchen, and staying (with Brad and the kids) to help clean up right to the end.

My cousin Beth gets a special mention too, as it was her idea, and she gave up her Saturday to help. And the there is the URC diaconate, who approved this scheme, and my dear boss Sherre Whalon, Facilities Coordinator who supported the process (even though it created a lot more work for her!) Plenty of others came and helped, shopped, and encouraged me through this process -- if I try to name you all I'll be sure to forget someone, not because your contribution was insignificant, but because that whole weekend is a bit of a blur. So to each of you who helped in every way, thank you truly. It was been a lightening of our burden to be able to chip away at our adoption debts through these fundraising efforts.

As far as Anastasia is concerned, there is no real update. At this time we are just waiting to hear when her adoption by this other couple is final. The reality of this has been slow to sink in, as we try to reshape our ideas of the future for our family. The sense of loss has been suprising. There have been some good, encouraging things that happened this week, but I continue to find it hard to accept this blow without feeling depressed, confused, even betrayed by God. The thought of the maturity I have the opportunity to gain through this trial seems cold comfort in comparison to the joy of having this little girl as my daughter. You can pray that I can see God's hand in even this, and that I would be able to regain some faith in His goodness.

How You Doin?

The sale is in 2 days (although for me, it starts in earnest tomorrow -- all the organizing, pricing -- and most dreaded of all, all the decisions to make!! oh dear!) and when I think about it, I feel a little bit sick, on several accounts:

1. I was sick. Tuesday night I set a new "personal best" in throwing up. Totally disgusting. Every bit as bad as I remember it to be, from the last time I threw up, which was probably more than 1o years ago. But I'm over it now, so don't be afraid of me.
2. The whole purpose of this confounded sale has died, and with it my motivation. Although, I suppose, it's still a good thing to raise money to pay off the seemingly endless debt accrued from our 2nd adoption.
3. All the ways this sale could go massively wrong. Not enough stuff. Not enough advertising. Bad weather. Too much stuff. Not enough shoppers. Not worth the hassle.

The really amazing thing about this whole disaster has been seeing the way people have rallied around us. So many sweet folks have been helping me with this sale, and lots more are going to give parts of their Fridays and Saturdays to help me do this. It's been a very tangible way to see the loving support of friends and family. And that is certainly much more than a silver lining.

Lots of people have asked me in the past week or two how I'm doing, and I've sort of struggled to answer. Not because I'm unsure how to express how I feel, or even unwilling to articulate (yeah, this is me here -- never unwilling to talk!) but because it's all so conflicting, and would sort of take an hour. So I thought maybe I would try to give a concise answer to that question here -- all the different versions of how I've been feeling, because it changes daily (at least.)

The initial shock and outrage has mostly passed, the sense of being paralyzed. I wouldn't care to relive those first few days. There has been a gradual sense of getting used to this new reality, acceptance of the inevitable. Which we are trying to balance with a sense of staying open to God moving and changing what appears to be immovable, but until her adoption by this other couple is final, we don't want to close the door completely. (And let me just take this moment to thank each of you who have been praying earnestly for this very thing. If prayers were somehow a sort of tabulated voting process, the sheer numbers of people all over this country, and even the world, who are praying for us would assure us a victory in this matter. This gives me comfort, even though I know, and even rejoice, that this is not the way God works!)

This is a very strange place to be in. We have had our whole future plans changed first one way (a year ago, when we first met Anastasia and chose to pursue this crazy 3rd adoption, against all reason, when we had only planned for 2) and now another major change. We have to plan, and think about the future sometimes, or we can't make wise decisions. At this point, it looks like our future includes the two boys we have been graciously given, but not any other children. So once again, we change our plans -- which I'm beginning to realize is kind of just how life is.

When I think about the injustice of this -- siblings being permanently separated, a year's (a lifetime's) hopes washed down the drain, all the money and time we put into this that can never be recovered, half-truths that were told to us, how much more precarious our financial situation has become because of planning for this -- I go crazy. I get mad and indignant and just completely worked up. I start thinking things like ... If they had told us that we could only have her if no one else saw her and wanted her, we would have saved ourselves so much pain! We would have put all that money into paying off our debts, instead of a hopeless cause! We wouldn't feel like such trusting suckers! A few wise family members have counciled me that I must just let it go, and I know they are right. But how can they get away with this?!!? It's easier to know I should let it go than to actually let it go. We did what, at the time, seemed the only right thing to do, we felt we were being obedient to God, and we must trust the results to Him.

So then there is the sadness part. In many ways, after the initial shock wore off, it hasn't been as bad as I might have thought. This whole thing -- being given the opportunity to have not just a much wanted 3rd child, but a darling little girl no less! -- has always felt a little too good to be true. Lots of other dreams along the way have bit the dust, so why should this one come true? And we know Ukraine -- I think, in the backs of our minds, we've always known this was a possibility. We didn't get a chance to get to know her, much as we wanted to, when we were in Ukraine, so there is not so much the loss of a known entitity so much as a dream of what might have been. All those daughter dreams. They have been very hard to give up, especially when faced with rows of bright-eyed 2 year old little girls at church... The moment I realized I should put my crib in the sale, instead of using it again like I so hoped to do, was a very hard moment.

But God has been so gracious to me. He has picked me up, and propelled me through the days. Many times with tears in my eyes, but still -- it's nearly impossible to stand still and grieve with 2 active boys to care for! I've had lots of busy things to fill my days, and many concerned people looking out for me and caring for me in so many tangible ways. It sounds weird, but right now we've been hearing from other people about the hard things they have been dealing with, and it makes us feel so much better! Sometimes because it's similar to what we are going through, but most of the time it's just good to know we are not the only ones being sanctified. I hope that doesn't sound cruel, or like misery just loves company. It's just nice to be reminded that God disciplines those He loves, and we are not alone.

It is so easy to think that the things we lack are the very things that would make us the most happy. And while we're thinking that, we forget to enjoy the many things we already have. I want to be sure that when I look back on this time, I can say I loved what I have and enjoyed it to the fullest! Thank You, soverign Lord, for Your sweet salvation, the family, the home, the friends, the provisions You have so generously given me! I trust Your goodness -- help me trust You more fully even amidst disappointment!

Jump into my nightmare, the water is warm.

We got the latest update from our agency, which is that no letters or appeals of any kind can be sent. I'll just copy the text below:

"I did forward the letters to Michael, but he said all the advocating has been done by those that can do advocating. The issue is that the information had been given unofficially and if it hadn't been given than we wouldn't even have at all until documents were submitted and she wasn't available anymore.
The orphanage, director, SDA, Lesya all knew about the family's desire to adopt Anastasya. They have spoken and done what can be done to advocate on behalf of the family. Due to the current climate of having families adopt domestically, no one is able to push any more.
Michael is going to continue to check to see what happens to see if the adoption does go through."

We are now referred to as "the family." It's not personal, it's business. Further proving that there's a Jerry McGuire quote for every situation.

So as you can see, we get to just sit back and watch it all fall apart. These Ukrainians, who saw Anastasia for the first time on April 26, 2010, get to undo all of our work, plans, hopes of over a year. Needless to say, that sucks, and we're having a hard time seeing or feeling goodness in all of this. Pray for us. We'll begin to unpack the financial nightmare next week.

The Sale Must Go On

Lots of people have asked me if we're still going forward with the sale. I am, for several reasons. First of all, it's out there already -- even if I tried to cancel it, I couldn't get the word out to everyone who thinks it's happening. Secondly, we have adoption costs to pay for, even though it looks unlikely right now that our adoption of Anastasia will happen. We still have lots of adoption debt left from Maxim, and anything we can put towards this will be a huge help. And as long as there is a chance, even a tiny chance, that we could still adopt Anastasia, we will keep saving any money raised towards this possibility. So if you have items you still want to donate towards the sale, or can help me on Friday May 14 or Saturday May 15 this will still be helpful.

Let me also take this time to clarify where things stand in regards to Anastasia, and how we are doing.

Since hearing on Thursday that another family was trying to adopt her, we have run the gamut of emotions. Our initial reaction was anger and frustration at the injustice of someone trying to usurp our legal claim to her. It was hard to wait, not understanding what was going on. On Saturday, we learned about the law change that allows the family, legally, to pursue her adoption in spite of our connection to her. This news, while it drained away a lot of the anger that stemmed from thinking something illegal was happening, felt like the end of all our hopes.

I'll try to explain what happened. The State Department of Adoptions (SDA) has on file our petition to adopt Anastasia, and they still consider our claim to her valid. In the past, everyone who wanted to adopt had to go through the SDA; a new law allows nationals to bypass the SDA and go directly to the orphanages. The orphanage director tried to dissuade this family from moving towards adopting Anastasia, but they refused to listen to her and have begun the adoption proceedings. At this time there is NO law that would prevent the adoption. The only chance we have is that they would have a change of heart, or that something else would stop their adoption. I think that the judge presiding over the case does have the right to deny a petition for adoption, if they think the family is unfit to care for the child, or that it is not in the best interest of the child to be adopted by them. To this end, we have written a letter to the judge to inform them of our relationship with Anastasia and reassert our intention to adopt her if allowed. We have also written to the family (including pictures of our family, so they can see the resemblance between Maxim and Anastasia), asking them to reconsider. A representative from the orphanage is allowed to appear at the court on the day the case is decided, so we has also written a letter to the orphanage director asking if she would appear in court on our behalf. We hope we can send these letters in the next few days.

These hopes are very slim hopes, from a worldly perspective. We are not at this point certain that we can get these letters delivered, or that they would even be read. It would be a miraculous work of God to stop this process that is already in motion, but we know that He is capable of doing it, if He so chooses. Our powerful and soverign God can change hearts of stone to hearts of flesh, can turn us who were dead in our trespasses to become alive in Christ, so we know that He can change the hearts of this seemingly heartless couple. He can give our request favor in the eyes of the judge if He chooses. We also know that for His good purposes, He does not always move in the ways we wish, and this is good, even when it feels bad.

At this time, we are waiting on Him. We will do everything that is in our power (which is precious little) and trust that only He can actually make the change. We are praying earnestly that He will move on our behalf, and allow us to bring this precious girl into our family. We won't undo any of our adoption progress until we know for sure that her adoption by this other couple is final. If that happens, we will pray for the grace to accept it. After 3 intensely emotional day, we now feel a deep sense of peace about the situation, and are so thankful for the many prayers that have contributed to this. God is good -- we thank Him for the many many blessings He has already given us, especially the two sweet boys He has entrusted to our care! (This dilemma helps us to realize again how very amazing it is that we have them!) And we trust that whatever comes, He will uphold us with His righteous right hand!

Join us in prayer:

• That our letters would reach the family, judge, and director, and be read.


• That God would even now begin working in hearts to give us favor with those whose decisons impact this situation.


• That we will trust God to resolve this situation according to His will, while we earnestly pray that He would clear the way for us to adopt Anastasia!


• That He will protect our hearts from bitterness and doubt.


• That we will go to Him for comfort, and wait patiently in the days, weeks, even months of uncertainty ahead (this is especially hard, as the outcome will forever change our family. I like to plan ahead, and this will have us living in a state of being "on hold" for potentially a long time.)

Thank you, dear friends and family, for your prayers for our family! Love, Kristin

Anastasia Update

Friends and Family,

We received an update from our Bethany caseworker explaining that a change in Ukrainian law made it possible for this other family to begin adopting Anastasia. We were assured that the orphanage director did all she could to prevent this.

We're heartbroken. We're going to try one last appeal to the family, via letters to both the family and the judge presiding over the case. If that doesn't work (unlikely), it will be over.

Please pray for us.

Ted and Kristin